Alone

Today I have spoken to lots of people. I have spoken to them face to face, on the phone, chatted online. In general had quite a lot of different conversations. But still i feel so alone. I feel alone in my feelings about the changes in my life. I feel alone when I try to make difficult decisions. While others embrace their alone time and the quietness, I feel terrified. I dont know how Im supposed to get away from my thoughts if nobody is there to distract me. How am I supposed to calm myself down when I worry all the time about so many different things.

A new face in my life

I have now startet a new face in my life. It is a face that felt so far far away just a few weeks ago. I am introducing my son to nursery. It feels a bit scary. Has he really become so big that he is going to start a life without me. And yes! He is that big and quite capable to start a life which consist of friends and nurserynurses. A life which I wont be a part of, except when Im invitet in around christmas and other happenings.
It feels scary but also good. I am ready to start my new life as a nurse and to earn a living again. Will be so good to get a half deacent paycheck at the end of every month. To have small quiet moment for myself when I cykel to and from my work. I will have adult conversations with my colleagues and possible can debate different way to treat patients. I welcome this new face with open arms.

MY thoughts

I have started my workplacement at the strokeunit at the local hospital. I have been there two days and dont really know what I am supposed to feel about it. The woman organising the whole thing seems nice enough but she isnt the one I meet every day and have to work with. But she is the one who wants me to write down my thoughts every day and discuss them with other people in the workplace.

I find it hard to do, almost impossible. I dont know these people. I dont care to share my thoghts with people I dont know. If I feel I need to share my thoughts I do it with my friends. I feel like someone is going into my "personal space"! They are forcing themselfs into my thoughts. Dont know how to handle it. Hope I manage to write down something while still keeping it very unpersonal.

Week two

First week of South Beach is over. It wasnt easy, I cant say that,but it was worth it. Feel that all my clothes sit just a little bit more comfortable on me and I can see my stomach getting platter. The result was 2.4kg for the first week. So now Ill just have to keep at it. I havent succeeded for more than 2 weeks that often. I normally give in to my cravings for a pizza,but not this time. I have my eye onthe price at the end of it. Only 4,1 kg to go!!!!

What a weekend

Have had a very very nice weekend. Spent the whole weekend with my little family and just enjoyed myself. But underneath all the fun was a big tension. I should have started my period days ago..... so Saturday morning my better half goes to the gym and stops at the pharmacy on the way home. He buys a home pregnancy test with two stick in. After lunch I take the first test but nothing.
No baby, both happy and little sad, but mostly relieved as it is definitely not time for another kid... Have a great afternoon and evening with Bjarkis grandparents but am still worried. OK, Im not pregnant but Im usually like a clock, so why have I not got my period? Start to imagine the worst and during the night when I cant sleep with worry, my thoughts go back towards the baby and everything that I would have to fix:
Two kids on the third floor without an elevator!
Double pram!
Two Car seats in our small car!
Just about to start a new job, this would seriously f*** things up!
Money!

So in the morning I take the second test.
No not pregnant, again happy, sad and very relived. Then the thoughts about why come back to me. OK will call the midwife first thing on Monday ( In Sweden it is always the midwife who we call for some reason!!!!)
Now Sunday evening Im glad to say that I have gotten my period :D Fantastic, have seldom been as happy about that!

And what have a learned from this rollercoaster of a weekend? Yes, be more careful.... for if we hadnt been uncareful there would have been no need to worry, would there?

Day 2

Yesterday was D-ay..... I started the day off with bacon and egg and everything went well. I didnt really feel hungry until the afternoon and then again in the evening.... it is so hard to get out of the habit to eat infront of the TV.
But I woke up not feeling hungry and went off to uni. I dont know what happened there but I felt so so so hungry even though I ate exactly the same as yesterday. My snack att10 didnt help nor did my lunch..... So today seems to be the day where I can make or break my plan. I am going to do this. I am going to succeed. So instead of going down to the uni restaurant Im going to sit here in the library and study. Hope tomorrw will be better.

new beginnings

Tonight I will say goodbuy to my old life and tomorrow it will be hello! :) new life. Tomorrow Ill be starting my life according to "South Beach". Im finally going to get rid of those last pregnancy kilos and be comfortable in a bikini this summer.
So tonight is a night of chips and pizza and then tomorrow morning it will be egg, bacon and vegetable juice.....